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Siblings: Learning to Thrive When OCD is in Your Family
By Michelle Witkin, Ph.D.
Andre is sitting in the car in the parking lot. This is as close to my office as his mother can get him. Therapy is for his brother, he thinks. It’s his brother who has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and he doesn’t want to be inconvenienced by it any more than he already has. I follow his mother to the car and stay back a little. He pokes his head out and gestures that it’s okay for me to come closer.
“I just want to introduce myself,” I say. “If you ever think there is something I ought to know, or if you ever have any questions, you are warmly welcome.”
I’ve met many “Andres” over the years. They are siblings of kids who have OCD, both older and younger. Some of them willingly come in to meet me; some get no closer than the parking lot. I want them all to know that I understand that OCD affects them, too, and that there are things we can do to improve things in their family.
It is well-documented that OCD impacts the entire family. To prevent meltdowns or upset in the afflicted person, other family members will go to great lengths – participating in rituals, taking on additional responsibilities, even missing their own activities. Sometimes, the pressure of living with OCD builds, and family members get frustrated or impatient. They may even lash out.
Siblings are impacted by OCD as much as anyone else in a family. Sometimes, they are even OCD’s targets, triggering their brother or sister with their mere presence. They can be huge cheerleaders and supporters of their brother or sister, they can be their harshest critics, and they can get caught up doing OCD’s bidding as much as anyone else. Since they often aren’t the ones taken to treatment (or sometimes, like Andre, refuse to be a part of it), they often get carried along in OCD’s current, not knowing much about what helps or what hurts. Empowering and informing them can go a long way toward helping them cope, and even toward helping the brother or sister with OCD to get better.
If you are a brother or sister to someone with OCD, or a concerned parent, there are some helpful steps you can take. First – talk is important. What siblings experience needs a place to be heard. Parents, teachers, counselors, or other trusted adults can all be wonderful resources to listen. Then, get equipped with good, reliable information about OCD in whatever format is appealing – videos, articles, blogs, podcasts. Any of these can help a sibling understand OCD’s cycle and demystify what is going on with their brother or sister. Since Andre didn’t like the idea of coming to my office, I sent his parents home with some short videos that he was willing to take a look at.
Sometimes, siblings get caught up feeling like they have to do what OCD says, or just aren’t sure what to do. Some of the resources above can give useful hints. At other times, a visit to the brother or sister’s therapist can provide some good direction. It’s important for siblings to learn how to slowly back out of the OCD cycle in a way that’s best for everyone. They can even learn how to support their sibling’s progress – from cheering them on to helping with exposures.
When OCD has taken hold in a house, it can feel like everything focuses on it. Siblings’ needs are still important while a family is dealing with OCD. Families can take stock of what’s needed to ensure siblings are staying healthy, too. Having some alone time with parents, time with friends, activities that they pursue, or just their own alone time can get neglected with OCD in the picture. Taking a bit of time for parents and siblings to focus on making sure these happen can help immensely.
For more resources on OCD and family, especially siblings, some reliable resources are:
The International OCD Foundation: https://iocdf.org/
The Anxiety and Depression Association of America: https://adaa.org/
The Peace of Mind Foundation sibling page: https://peaceofmind.com/for-siblings/
“Unstuck: an OCD Kids Movie” sibling page: https://www.ocdkidsmovie.com/siblings