Posts Tagged with mental illness

Brian, pictured with his wife Shawnisty, son Hunter, and daughter Riley

I can write several novels about my life, but what I am providing here is really just scratching the surface of everything about me and the person I am. I have been diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome, OCD, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), Anxiety, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) from a very early age and it all stems from my childhood trauma with my biological father. All of the stress needed an outlet to escape and my lucky self got all of it. This made for a really tough time in middle school and high school with getting into fist fights with other kids for making fun of my Tourette’s Syndrome and constant twitching. This would eventually trigger me to completely black out and wake up somewhere else having someone tell me I just beat someone up. It was sometimes a friend that was just being a kid and really not knowing the repercussions of their actions, but I can tell you they learned a lesson. In the end I would hate myself for hurting someone. I am not really one to fight unless it’s for my family or someone’s safety. After months of struggling from stress and anxiety at the young age of 12, I began to experience suicidal thoughts. I had the intention of taking my life, but I wasn’t really ready to end it forever. However, I was definitely hurting. 

My Tourette’s Syndrome and OCD made it really difficult for me to learn anything in school because I was too busy constantly worrying about my issues in my own head. When I was young, I found that writing in a journal and trying to get everything in my head out onto paper really helped. Fast forward to now and I have gone through treatment at The Gateway Institute, using exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy for the OCD and did EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) as well as hypnosis for my therapy to treat the PTSD. The most important thing that got me to where I am today is believing in myself because ultimately the only person that can change you is you. I am currently working as a Firefighter/Engineer for Cal Fire and have been in the fire service and medical profession for about 15 years now. I am now working my dream job with my dream fire department and I love every minute of it. I have worked very long and hard throughout my career and I have had many hard times in which I wanted to give up on multiple occasions, but I always knew that I have this burning desire to help people. 

For the past 13 years I have been with the most amazing woman on the planet. We have been married for the past 8 years and she has been my rock every step of the way. She has supported me through everything and stuck it out with me and I still can’t comprehend why, but I am so grateful. I also have 2 amazing kids, a 4-year-old son Hunter (A.K.A Wreck- It- Ralph) because he just wrecks stuff, and a 1.5-year-old daughter Riley that runs our whole house. My two little ones are so cute and amazing, and I really don’t know how I got so lucky with my little family. They are my everything and I never saw myself being where I am today in life. 

About 7 years ago my wife encouraged me to change my life for the better. We were living up north for my work, and during that time I had a therapist who overmedicated me. I was a zombie, and I was on too many medications to count. I hated my coworkers and my marriage was failing. My wife told me I was not the man she fell in love with. It was almost too late by the time I started to change things for the better. I busted my butt and ended up getting us a transfer closer to home. With the change of scenery came a change in medication. This is including my abuse of Norco that I had for my ruptured disks in my back as well as an herb called Kratom that just took all my pain and anxiety away but was ultimately just masking the pain and setting me back overall. My wife was 100% right that I was not the same person anymore. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I decided to try new forms of therapy and started to streamline my medications. As I started to come off of the large amount of medication I was prescribed, my OCD was extremely overwhelming and debilitating. I would have anxiety attacks at work from my OCD intrusive thoughts and mind reading and always caring way too much of what people think about me. I also had rituals that would really get in the way at work. The Gateway Institute saved me by giving me the tools to combat my OCD. Overtime, I came to the overall conclusion of having to be comfortable with the uncomfortable, every day of my life. I am always put to the test at work by being around a bunch of Type A personality firefighters and it’s probably the worst job I could have chosen, but it’s also the best job I have chosen. I have always loved helping people and being there for them during their worst days and trying to make it better. Battling my OCD is a constant challenge and sometimes I have to utilize the tools I learned to combat my OCD especially when I am tired or stressed. Just these last 5 years I have really started to feel myself, but it has been a constant battle and I always tell myself, it could always be worse. I have gone through a lot to get to where I am today, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and with a strong support system of family and friends you can make it through anything if you just believe in yourself. 

Signed,

Brian Page